I AM BLIND

I have never seen anything. I smell well, I taste well, my hearing is extraordinary, but I have never seen a single pleasurable thing in my life because I was born blind. One in fifteen people who are blind are like me and see nothing at all. Some are fortunate to see blurry shapes or stuff in the peripheral zone. Others see bright light but not like people who are sighted. We totally blind folk can still look directly at the sun for example because all we experience is a combination of warmth and a fraction less darkness. My friends often refer to this as seeing black, but even that’s not right because I have no idea what black is, only that it is the opposite of white.

My learning about life and shapes and size and so on has all come from learning Braille and discovering through books what the world and in fact the universe is all about. I have little idea what Mt Everest looks like. Knowing that it is the tallest mountain in the world means little apart from that as a fact. And as far as the universe is concerned well that’s just about beyond me. Sighted people can see models of the planets, galaxies and get an idea of the immense size of the universe. Hearing that scientists look back in time with powerful telescopes is another fact of life that is beyond my comprehension. And the fact that the universe is expanding and that there may even be other life forms elsewhere in this giant expanse of space is more baffling than all my other hard to fathom quandaries. Trying to understand how immense the universe is baffles me, but I do understand that our world, this planet upon which we live, is a small world after all.

When I was very little, before I understood blindness, a cousin a year older than me visited for the first time. He asked so many questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions like ‘how do I know not to touch a hot stove?’ or ‘how do I know which part of a meal to eat first?’ As I was only about four years old, I had no way of answering him. I had learned as I approached something hot not to reach out to it. With meals, I could smell things very well and could pick at specific vegetables that I knew I liked and get my choice right every time, almost. But to explain that to my cousin was impossible. We spent a few days together and I remember him being very helpful in the way in which he helped me to learn new games and so on. We shared the same room, we talked about dreams. I didn’t even know what they were before then, but from then on I started dreaming a lot and have done so all my life. I think I must have simply needed a prompt, a nudge and away I went. I suppose I don’t dream every single night, but some experts say we all do. It’s just that most of the dreams are forgotten upon waking. And of course my dreams are not like that of a sighted person.

There is a girl at the cake shop whose voice is pure. I dream about her sometimes. She smells like summer rain, but I can’t tell her that because it might not be for her the compliment I would mean it to be. If I had one wish it would be to see her for just a moment so as to satisfy my curiosity, but she is beautiful without me seeing her face. She exudes warmth in everything she says, and not just to me. I have listened to her with other customers. I melt when she gives me my change and touches my hand. I would never dream of paying for my lunch with a credit card. Her voice and touch are what I look forward to every day. I am never morose, never angry at my situation, sometimes saddened by it, but I fully realise that I’m lucky in some ways. I’m told that if you’re blind in India or Africa, you have to beg on the streets for morsels of food or small coins that have to go into the family money jar, that’s if your family hasn’t thrown you out on the streets permanently. I have the love of my family. I have assistance from our government. I’ve had a guide dog since I was nine. She’s the same guide dog I still have. She’s twelve now and I’m nearly 20.

I love going to the beach and she always comes with me. I love the smell of the sea. I’m intrigued at what’s in the ocean beneath the surface. If I had another wish, apart from seeing Amanda in the cake shop, it would be to dive into the spectacular waters of the Great Barrier Reef and to see fish and corals, and manta rays and turtles – all the creatures I’ve read about but which I have little comprehension of. That would be a dream come true and I would all of a sudden realise that’s it’s perhaps not such a small world after all.